Justice | Extending Myself Grace in the Midst of Dating
“You deserve love….”
Let’s sit with that for a moment.
Per usual, Karamo from Queer Eye’s Fab 5 leaves one of their heroes, Nate McIntyre (S5:E10), with these heartfelt words. In a world centered on finding love and ways to give it, there are still people out there who believe they don’t deserve it. And even when it shows up right in front of them, it is still as if it is camouflaged by despair.
For those of us that have survived the trenches of “dating in the closet”, this can seem like the honest truth.
Blinded by judgment and confusion, we are taught to ignore the part of us that makes us whole. Pressured by the peers of our surroundings, we are expected to find attraction within limitations. Extending our boundaries for those who do not deserve our love, we forget to give ourselves that same grace.
Now, let’s be honest, dating, in general, is hard.
No matter if you are straight, gay, bi, pan, or however else you choose to identify, finding someone that shows you that you deserve love can be the hardest part.
Now imagine going through all of the motions and emotions of dating only for it to end, while not being able to share it with anyone. Harboring the secrets of your bed and the heartbreak in your soul. Shielding yourself from the impact of ridicule and shame from those who claim to love you.
Like others, I was living in a constant state of anxiety. Worried that one day I too could be exposed for all that I am, risking my chances of ever finding love. Afraid that simply being me wasn’t enough to experience genuine pleasure and affection.
That was until the day that I had to ask myself the important question:
What do you do when your chances of love run out?
Surprisingly, I didn’t have an answer for that one. As if dating as a Black, Queer guy gave me the privilege of expecting that I would be afforded so many chances. So, I did what many of us tend to do. I did the best with the love that I was given, even if sometimes it came barring a price.
At times, love felt good.
At times, it got worse.
At times, it wasn’t even about the love at all but about the potential that came along with it.
Worried about not being outted for being in the closet, I gave up on any potential chances of love. Forgetting to extend me some grace, I took the love I was given with a grain of salt. I spent so much time trying to create a version of myself that everyone could love, that I didn’t even take the time to realize what that looked like for me.
Out of all of the entanglements that I have been in, there was one that just really… really bothered me. When I had first met this guy, I didn’t know what to expect. It started as your typical millennial hook-up. We liked a few photos on Instagram, we linked up in person, and then we continued to spend time together.
Even though I was only 18, it didn’t take long for me to realize that he was crazy. About a month or so into us “talking” or “dating”, or whatever else the kids call it nowadays, this man began showing his true colors. Then over the course of the next few months, I began to see what those colors meant for me.
They meant that I needed to get out of this situationship… ASAP.
Over time, he had become overly controlling, demanding, possessive, and in some cases, more physical. I had never had this much freedom to “date” before and sure as hell wasn’t prepared for all that this man came with. I’m just glad that I realized what was happening before it was too late.
Him randomly popping up on me at all times? Okay, I could deal with that.
His need to always know what I was doing and where I was at? Eh, I had to get used to that.
His interjection with the business and activities that I had with my friends? I did not need that.
Him holding me hostage and refusing to take me home? I did not like that.
Him physically putting his hands on me, multiple times? I did not fuck with that.
That was all it took for me to realize that this was not the love I deserved. I knew that there were people out there who didn’t camouflage their love for me; I just had to embrace my surroundings to find it.
In an article written for BBC, the author discusses the “double closet phenomenon”. This happens when Queer victims of abuse are reluctant to report these incidents because they are afraid of being outted to the public. Whether it is by force or choice, coming out can be a very intimate moment, and not having to do so under such extreme conditions is more ideal, especially in terms of dating.
Was I afraid to cut him off? No.
Was I afraid to tell others? Yes.
However, it was because of those #ClosetMoments that have brought me closer to the grace and love that I deserve. If it was not for him overextending himself into my life and relationships, I probably would not have come out about my sexuality to some of my closest friends that soon. If it was not for them allowing me the space to confide in my secrets and heartbreak, I would not have known that I had more chances to find love.
If it was not for the strength needed to get myself out of a foul situation, I would not have found the courage to live as liberal in my truth as I am today.
Even though this somewhat worked for me, the only healthy way for a Queer person to “come out” is to allow them to do it on their own terms. Regardless of how any other person feels they should live their life, that choice is theirs. Not their family members, not their friends, and not their partners. If you are in a Queer relationship with someone who may still be or are finding ways to survive in the closet yourself, then there needs to be a conversation had around what the collective boundaries are, such as those topics suggested by Love is Respect.
You never know what someone may be going through or what their needs are at that moment. So, when it comes to making life-changing decisions, the only person that is able to make that for them is them. They do not owe anyone else the opportunity to tell their story for them. It is not your luck to bet on.
So, to those still searching for their chances, understand that you still deserve love.
You deserve to be extended grace to figure yourself out.
You deserve to not be judged or pressured into living a life that was not designed for you.
You deserve to find strength in the relationships that embrace you.
You deserve to cut someone off that harms you and not feel bad about telling the story about it.
Those stories always matter.
#YourStoryMatters
