Logan | What it’s Like Living with Internalized Homophobia
One thing that I don’t think we talk about enough is internalized homophobia.
Now, I know what you’re probably thinking. “Wow, that was direct. Are we not talking about it enough? Do we even need to bring this up? Are there really that many people out there that deal with that?”
The answer is and will be as long as the topic is relevant, yes.
Having experienced this myself, I could have been saved from looking like a hypocrite had I known what this meant. Or, I could just not have been conditioned to societal heteronormality.
I guess the choice was never mine.
And even though that would have saved me from having to hide a part of myself for so long, I was able to use those #ClosetMoments to find the strength in living my truth.
I’m also able to look back at those moments now and truly have empathy for what I was going through then.
In an article written for Psychology Today, LGBTQ+ advocate and storyteller, Whit Easton, explores this topic amongst the community. After having familiar and emotion-wrenching dialogues, they were able to understand the collective oppression that pockets of the Queer community may experience. In short, Internalized homophobia is what happens when we take on the different biases, prejudice, and hatred that are projected on Queer folks by the rest of society.
It is the negative development of groupthink that conditions not just society to turn their backs on us. But sometimes we turn these bigotries and animosity towards ourselves.
Growing up, I paid no mind to the disrespect that I spewed because no one ever told me that it was wrong. In fact, it was merely encouraged amongst my different groups. Family members, friends, the media, the news. It seemed that if your insults did not include calling someone, accusing them of, or referencing their actions to being gay, then you were bullied in return.
That is where things need to be fixed.
Stop raising children to be disrespectful and to hate others. Stop allowing adults the privilege to pass judgment and discriminate based on identity. Stop taking space away from people that deserve to live freely.
I didn’t understand the feelings that I was going through then, but I do now.
As I reflect (aka getting Facebook memories), I’m just shocked at how confused and out of line I was. I would accuse my close friends and even complete strangers of being gay, looking gay, or sounding gay. Jokingly and un-jokingly, attempting to belittle them. I even had the audacity to reject someone’s friend request and make another status mocking their name for appearing “too gay” to me.
I mean, really?
How dumb did I sound?
That is even crazier because if you know me now, then you would know that I’m all about the gay sh*t.
I look back at those posts now and am just hurt.
Hurt that I allowed myself to antagonize the very group of people whom I deeply yearned to belong to.
Here I was, a young Black boy, realizing that I was beginning to feel a way that could possibly change my life forever. And based on what was defined as normal at the time, I’d say that being a Black, Queer boy was nowhere near close to the top of the list of positive changes.
Pink Therapy (1996) by Dominic Davies and Charles Neal
Similar to examples noted in Davies & Neal’s (1996) book “Pink Therapy”, as I experienced this, I continued to build this false mold of myself. Adopting bad habits and an identity that was not mine all so that I could feel like I belonged.
It was as if I was a character cast to play a story that wasn’t mine. Learning every day, the words to the script of a version of myself did not reflect who my true character was. Portraying a life that only brought the worst out of me.
I had become blind to what my reality was and became comfortable in not recognizing the true issue. I was allowing those external sources to influence not only how I treated myself, but how I treated others as well. Licensed clinical psychologist, Jo Eckler, agrees that talking about these feelings more often will help us realize more positive, realistic outcomes for ourselves.
It all seems so simple, right?
If only Black, Queer folks did not have to deal with how the biases of others could affect us.
If only we did not have to keep bringing up these conversations to make others aware of the hardships that we go through.
If only we were loved as much by the world as everyone else.
If only, would we not have had to create our own spaces to survive.
If only we did not need to survive, we could live.
In the world that we live in today, we have to continue creating spaces that are fighting for the well-being of those around us. It should not matter how someone behaves or sounds that should frighten us.
Because that is what internalized homophobia is, right? Fear? The fears of others projected unto us, which then force us to project them upon others.
We must refuse to accept those prejudices and hatred posed upon us. Thus, fostering a world where we can always show up to play the true character that we were meant to be. Living the life that we are proud of.
That is what we need to see.
More positive, realistic outcomes for ourselves.
Outcomes filled with endless love and support.
Outcomes that matter.
Love that matters.
Because now, and always, our stories matter.
#YourStoryMatters
